The Cancer and Mental Health Equation

You might have noticed October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Perhaps you’re all too aware of the fact it’s breast cancer awareness month, because every month feels that way to you. You, like me, might have very mixed feelings about breast cancer awareness month. But before the calendar page flipped and turned from September to October, my pals at Breast Cancer Care launched an incredibly important campaign.

Because the thing is, they do this stuff all year round. They advocate for patients 365 days a year, like so many other amazing charities do. But this caught really caught my attention because it focused on the mental health impact a breast cancer diagnosis can have on a patient. It’s a report that explores the way people feel after going through 10 months, or more, of relentless treatment that strips you of your wellbeing, your fitness, your identity. Because that’s the thing. Breast cancer goes well beyond the tumour that grows in your breast. You know all this because of how much I talk about it – but this campaign from Breast Cancer Care, in partnership with Mind, goes to show just how far reaching these issues are and that I’m far from alone in this.

Over 8 in ten (84%) women with breast cancer in England are not told about the possibility of developing long-term anxiety and depression as a result of their diagnosis.

The research also reveals that 33% of the 3000 women surveyed experienced anxiety for the first time in their lives after their diagnosis and treatment, while almost half (45%) experience continuous fear that the cancer may return, which can severely impact day-to-day life. These figures aren’t really a surprise to me, but it’s pretty sobering to see them written down in black and white. That so many people live in fear or with heightened anxieties as a result of their cancer diagnosis probes that the support patients receive needs to continue long after being told they don’t need to come back to the hospital until their annual check up.

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Samia al Qadhi, CEO of Breast Cancer Care explained “We know people expect to feel better when they finish treatment and can be utterly devastated and demoralised to find it the hardest part. And though the NHS is severely overstretched, it’s crucial people have a conversation about their mental health at the end of treatment so they can get the support they need, at the right time.”

The body- mind connection is undeniable. The two are inextricably linked, and when one is put under pressure, the other naturally struggles too. Stephen Buckley, Head of Information at Mind, says:

“It’s understandable that being diagnosed with or treated for something as serious as breast cancer will impact someone’s mental wellbeing, even if they have never experienced a mental health problem before”.

And it is totally understandable. I spoke to a CBT practitioner at a festival a few months ago and she compared cancer treatment to falling off a cliff edge. You have hit every single branch on the way down and found yourself at the bottom of the cliff, battered, bruised, broken and completely dazed having fallen several hundred feet. But then someone comes to you and says “yeah – but you’re alive, time to get on with it!” but life doesn’t work that way. Because you can’t fall that far, hit the ground that hard and not need some time to process it.

I think the call for support from these two charities is absolutely crucial – but more pertinent to me is the reminder that those who do find it difficult to restart life after cancer, aren’t alone. There are many more of us who struggle beyond treatment than the world would have us believe.

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There’s another thing that I think we don’t really talk about enough – and that’s those people who have a history of mental health issues and are then diagnosed with cancer (and I talk about cancer here because this is what I know, but I feel the same about any illness). What about those people? How are they coping? I mean, I obviously ask this because I am one of these people, but while the conversation around mental health and cancer is unfolding, it’s important to ascertain this too. It’s important not to ignore this crucial part of the discussion. And that’s why I wanted to write my book.

We are getting so much better at talking about mental health but we’re still missing out huge chunks of the conversation – we don’t talk about the nuances of bipolar disease or about those who live with psychosis, even though we can talk openly about our experiences of depression. And we can talk until the cows come home about the impact cancer has on your mental health after the fact, but what about if you were already struggling to tread the tightrope before the diagnosis? Does that impact survival? Does that impact the severity of the mental damage that occurs afterwards?

The truth is, unsurprisingly, I don’t know the answers to these questions, nor how to direct the conversation around the less “fashionable”* side of mental health because I am only one person and only know the experiences of this one person well enough to examine. But I suspect there are different challenges faced by those who have already got health challenges to contend with.

1 in 2 people will get cancer in their life time. 1 in 4 people will suffer with mental health issues in their life time. There is almost certainly a cross section of these people who need to know they are supported. They need access to treatments that can help them put the pieces of their life back together after this, or any other serious illness bombards their lives. And this campaign from Breast Cancer Care is a start. A brilliant start to a conversation that could potentially change and save lives.

“With this book though, the thing you are actually holding in your hands, I wanted to let people know they are not alone. I wanted to offer Albus Dumbledore’s light in the dark. Not necessarily to insist things will get better, because I know that’s not necessarily what you want to hear – but to remind people that the human race knows a thing or two about both suffering and survival. I feel like with that in mind, it’s more difficult to feel totally isolated in your struggles – whether they’re related to mental health or cancer, or something completely different. Someone has been where you are right now. And while that doesn’t make your shitty situation (shituation, some may say) any less shitty, it suggests that survival is possible. Even if it’s just surviving one day at a time. One moment at a time. You’ve made it through every single one of your bad days until now – you can take whatever life throws at you. We are surviving even when we are just living through today and that is enough.”

Life, Lemons and Melons – Foreword

*this is a flippant use of this word. I hope you know I don’t think any mental health is “fashionable” but some is more socially acceptable to chat about than others

** If you’d like to pre-order Life, Lemons and Melons, you can do so right here. The first stage of edits is complete.

30 Lessons from 30 Years in 3000 words

On the 11th September 2018, I’m 30. There have been times over the last few years when I didn’t think I’d make it. But I did. I am here. And I have learned a lot along the way that I wanted to share with you. I know not everyone will agree with all of these, but these are my lessons. The things that I have learned and the ways in which I try to live my life. Maybe you recognise some. Maybe you think some of them are hokum. Maybe you think they’re all hokum. But these are my 30 lessons for 30 years and I wanted to offer them out to you.

  1. Life doesn’t always go as planned
    Sometimes there are more curveballs thrown our way than we know what to do with. Life likes to keep us on our toes. When it rains it pours. But there’s something to be learned from every single curveball that is tossed at us, even if the only thing we learn is how to be really good at juggling.
  2. You can’t go wrong with a sequin or glitter
    Does this really need any explanation? There’s no item of clothing that a sequin doesn’t improve. Sequin boots? Winner. Sequin jacket? Divine. Glittery trainers? Yes please. Sequin jeans? Yep, I’ll even give them a try.
  3. There’s more than one soul mate in the world
    We’re sold the idea that your soulmate is a romantic partner, and while I’m pretty sure I found my romantic soulmate at 17 (god knows how), I have found any number of other soulmates along the winding footpath of life. I genuinely believe a friend can be your soulmate. And they don’t have to stay for long. Maybe they’re there for a season or a reason, but soulmates come in all shapes and sizes and they should be embraced wholeheartedly.
  4. There’s always something to learn
    I pride myself on taking an interest in learning new things, so much so I’m currently talking myself out of doing a masters. But there’s something to be learned every single day if we are open to it. I learn from podcasts, from the radio, from reading books that have entirely different perspectives and explore experiences that I could never encounter. I learn from the news and from re-watching old episodes of Gilmore Girls. And learning is like magic.
  5. No matter how much you read, you’ll never want to stop reading
    If you’re a person who likes to read, it’s a compulsion that cannot be helped. No matter how many words I devour, how many books I manage to squeeze into the year, I want more. I want more books propping up my bedside table. I want more books overflowing from the shelves in our one bedroom flat. I want to read more words because when you read you live a thousand lives and I don’t believe I was put on this planet to live just the one life.
  6. Good eyebrows are essential for framing your face
    I knew a girl at school who’s brother shaved off her eyebrows when she was sleeping and I didn’t understand at the time why this made such an inordinate difference to the way she looked. Then when my eyebrows went MIA and never came back after chemo I learned that eyebrows are totally crucial for framing your face. Bonus: your eyebrows are sisters, not twins. And they should be respected. Because losing them forever is more weird and unnerving than you might think.
  7. Sometimes you’ll identify more with book characters than real life people and that’s OK
    I see myself more in Scout Finch, Eleanor Oliphant and Hermione Granger than I do in most people I know. And truth be told, sometimes I identify more with characters in books more than real people. Because characters in books are usually openly flawed and if they’re pretending to be something they’re not, we as the reader see it from a million miles off. No matter how complex a character is, readers see everything. And that feels so refreshing
  8. Maybe we’re constantly getting to know ourselves
    To quote Joan Didion, as I often do, “life changes in an instant” so of course we can’t fully know ourselves. We can’t know how we’ll react when we’re dealt the cancer card or when we meet a person who will mould us into the best versions of ourselves. How can we know these things? So I genuinely believe we are constantly getting to know ourselves, getting to know the person we need to be at any point in time.
  9. You’re stronger than you can ever imagine. You will bend so much before you come close to breaking
    I have come very close to breaking point more than once. I have reached the very lowest of the low ebbs. But it took a lot more to get me there than I thought it would. And as of yet, I haven’t broken. I have many cracks and I’ve been bent into all sorts of twisted shapes but the fibres of my being still remain intact. I am so much stronger than I think I am. I can take so much more than I think I can and in that I am not alone. I know so many people who have looked hellish adversity in the mirror and stared it down with their own unexpectedly strong will. Human beings can take a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.
  10. It’s never a bad thing to dress like a kid’s TV presenter
    Polka dots, primary colours and an excessive amount of floral patterns make up a glorious wardrobe and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with accepting that. Never apologise for it. Embrace it.
  11. Social media is not real life
    It’s edited images and “content” which shows the best of a highlights reel. It’s not even just the highlights reel – it’s the very best bits of the highlights reel. And the best way to protect yourself from any negative feelings that you might be susceptible to as a result of exposure to this kind of thing is to curate your feed in a way that it makes you feel good. Only follow people who make you feel good about yourself. Don’t follow those who make you question your worth or your body or your character. You are magnificent and you deserve to remember that.
  12. Your job is not who you are it is what you do
    It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the job you do. It’s the first question people ask you when they meet you for the first time so it’s no wonder you feel like it’s such a big part of the person you are, but it is just what you do. It is not who you are. Who you are comes down to the stories you tell and the character traits you possess and how you treat other people. It’s in the way you react to situations that are difficult and they way you look out for the people you love. It is not the way that you earn money. That might be a part of it – but it’s not all of it. You are a multifaceted human being with so much to who you are.
  13. People will let you down. But people will surprise you (in a good way) too
    Whether they’re with you for a reason or a season friends come and go. Some people stick around through the thick and the thin. They’re the ones you need to give your time to. Because some people will let you down. You’ll probably let some people down too because none of us are perfect. But there will be people who continually show up and who surprise you with how great they are. Cling onto these people (not in a weird way) because they are like daylight.
  14. There’s no ailment the sea doesn’t improve (even if just for a minute or so)
    Sometimes I think I was some kind of sea-dweller in a former life, because there is nothing that the sea doesn’t make better for the time I’m stood in front of it, staring it in the mouth, watching the ebb and flow of the tide, feeling the salty breeze on my face and reminding myself that I am a tiny part of a big and beautiful and wild world.
  15. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and hues
    When we’re younger, we’re sold the stories of true romantic love, but some of the greatest loves of my life haven’t been remotely romantic. Love is about so much more than choosing the person you’re going to live with for what may or may not be the rest of your life. It’s who you spend your time with, who you share your life with and who you turn to in those key moments that are the loves of you life. As well as the person you share your bed with.
  16. Having your shit together is overrated (probably)
    Often strikes me that having your shit together might create a bit of a boring life. Half the thrill of living is not knowing how I’m going to react to a situation or set of circumstances at any given moment. It’s living on the edge isn’t it?
  17. Health is key
    A healthy body is an absolute bloody gift. Looking after your body is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. I’m not talking about going gluten free or cutting out sugar, I’m talking about nourishing yourself with good food and exercise, being kind to ya mind and keeping an eye on the general goings on of your body.  Move more. Find a way of moving that’s good for your body and your brain. Take care of yourself because your body is your home and without it, you’re a bit fucked. (Note: you can’t judge other people’s health by how they look so this isn’t an invite to judge people for not being “healthy” based on their appearance).
  18. It couldn’t have been any other way
    “Let go of the notion things could have turned out any differently”. Maybe you should have gone for that job. Maybe you could have done something differently to hold onto a relationship. Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten that second slice of cake but you did. You did. And that’s the way things are going to be. Not taking that job is probably going to result in something better coming along. Maybe that relationship failure is making way for the person of your dreams to roll on into your life on a noble steed. Maybe that second slice of cake stopped your blood pressure from plummeting and you fainting on the tube. You don’t know what might have been. So try not to overthink. Everything happens for a reason (or, sort of at any rate).
  19. The universe has your back
    I know not everyone believes in this but I genuinely think the universe has my back. There was even some kind of purpose for me getting cancer at 26. I have no clue what that purpose was but it was a message from the universe that I am still unpicking. But generally I trust in the bigger picture and believe that all of the little loose or sad ends will be tied up in a bow and presented to me as a gift. Even if I can’t see it and it takes a while to untie the knots.
  20. There’s nowhere you have to be
    You don’t have to have achieved certain things by a certain age. There’s no ideal age to get married, or to have kids, or to start a new job or to buy a house or to be earning a certain amount of money. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be. And the right age to do any of the aforementioned things is the age that you do it at. What’s right for you might not be right for other people and vice versa. Drive your own drive. Do what you need to do. Your gravestone isn’t going to say “didn’t get married at the right age” or “wasn’t as good at writing as JK Rowling”. So try not to sweat that stuff.
  21. “Busy” isn’t glamorous
    Seriously. Busy isn’t glamorous. Let’s stop glorifying it as the be all and end all of being a successful person. Sure you’re busy but are you busy living? Busy learning? Busy loving? Because those are the busy’s that matter – not the busy being busy that we’re taught is the definition of being good at life.
  22. No-one really knows what they’re doing, they’re just better at making it look like they are
    This is one I keep telling myself on the regular. I often feel like I should have a better idea of what I’m doing because I feel like I’m floundering. But isn’t it in the moments of floundering we find the golden threads of life? The interesting moments that turn things on their heads? Isn’t this where we learn and grow? And isn’t learning and growing the best thing to aim for in life? I think so.
  23. Happiness is made up of little things
    It’s lots of little things that make up a big picture of happiness, not huge romantic gestures or massive numbers on your online banking screen. These things are good but they’re not the key to curating a happy life. To me, happiness is made up of moments and memories. The squeeze of a hand at a difficult time. An offering of chocolate buttons when you’re struggling. A laugh shared with friends. Good food, good wine (Prosecco), good tv, a safe place to live, a good duvet to snuggle under, a good book to read. These are the things that help me create happiness.
  24. Breathing can make a huge difference in pretty much every scenario
    It’s estimated that we take about 23,000 breaths a day, but how many of them do we actually recognise? All too often we’re on autopilot and if we’re stressed or scared or sad or distracted this auto-pilot can become erratic, leading us to snatch our breaths rapidly, which can exacerbate any negative thought processes we’re experiencing and help us regain a bit of control on the situation. I am a true believer in the power of the breath. It’s one of the few constants in our lives, something we can always come back to, to remind us that we are right in the moment, not in the future and not in the past. No matter what’s going on around me, a few deep breaths can be exactly what I need to reset and take a moment. It has been my salvation a number of times.
  25. Change isn’t a bad thing
    Change is scary. Sometimes it’s unwanted. Sometimes it’s unwelcome. But it isn’t always a bad thing. It can be an opportunity for growth or a chance to embrace new challenges and keep learning. Without change things stagnate and stagnation is the gross green slime you see in water sometimes. Change is healthy. Everything changes. We must evolve to keep existing. So if anyone ever says to me “you’ve changed,” I think “good. So I bloody should have”. Change isn’t a bad thing. It might bring challenges with it, but those will often bring great things too.
  26. Passion is crucial
    Life is made up of moments of passion and these are key for living the best life you possibly can. I’ve made a conscious decision since becoming sick to pursue what I’m passionate about, to chase it down with the biggest net I can find so I can catch it and use it to drive me forward. It’s so incredibly difficult to make your passion into your career, but then it’s all the more important to pursue it beyond the 9-5. Passion is what makes me feel alive and reminds me why we do the things we do to keep on living.
  27. The things you tell yourself have long lasting effects – so be thoughtful about this
    Sometimes our brains can be our no1 enemy. I know mine is. Sometimes my brain is a really horrible bastard that tells me the absolute worst things about myself. But it wasn’t until relatively recently that I realised just how much damage those things I’d told myself were doing. So take care with the things you tell yourself. Don’t berate yourself too much. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Because we listen to that voice in our heads a lot more than we think we do. So be kind with the things you tell yourself.
  28. It’s not a race
    Life isn’t a race. You’re not competing with anyone. Go at your pace. Set your own milestones. Run your own journey. You don’t have to be anywhere other than where you are.
  29. Sometimes the only thing to do is to take your shoes off and stand in the grass
    We spend so much of our lives with our feet squeezed into shoes but there’s something really wonderful about taking throwing your trainers to one side and reconnecting with the ground beneath your feet. I know it sounds like nonsense but it’s something my friend Sophie told me about and I genuinely believe that it is a simple way ground yourself in the moment that has massive benefits. And if your feet are in the grass, it means your body is outside and in a bit of nature and that’s more healing than any of us give it credit for.
  30. There’s so much more to learn. So much more living to do.
    I will never stop trying to learn more or stop trying to live the best life I can. No matter how wise we think we are, there is still so much to get from this incredible, wild and wonderful world we live in. There’s still so much for us to do. So many things to experience. So much left for us to give.

Life, Lemons and Melons

Hello friends. So today, I have some pretty big news. This has been in the works for quite some time. There have been setbacks and restarts but I think, I’m finally there with the preparation, and so I’m turning to you guys to help.

About a year ago, I had an idea, formed as the best of them are, just as I was nodding off one night. I’ve always wanted to write a book, and suddenly the basis for one presented itself to me. I decided I wanted to write a book about what it’s like to get breast cancer when you’re 26, and you’ve just started getting help for the long lasting problems your brain has given you over the course of your adult life. I am, of course, talking about my old pal depression.

It had reached a point where my dark days were getting deeper and lasting for longer periods. I knew what it was like to reach rock bottom and I didn’t like it there. I wanted help. I didn’t want to hang out in the dark orifices of my brain. They were not nice places to be. I finally made the decision to go to the doctors. I started CBT. I went on medication. And two days before my final session of CBT, I was told that I had breast cancer.

Shit. I’d just spent a few months figuring out who I was and how I could deal with the darkness when it came along, and I was thrown another curve ball in the shape of a tumour growing in my right breast. Oh great, thanks.

Life, Lemons and Melons is the story of figuring out life when it hands you a whole heap of lemons and you don’t have the energy to make lemonade or even reach for the gin. It’s a funny story about things that aren’t that funny and a coming of age story that came a few years later (or earlier) than expected. It’s about mortality, health, the pressures of the modern world, trying to be positive when your heart feels like it’s being repeatedly trodden on by an elephant and finding humour in getting diagnosed with breast cancer aged 26 when you carry a black dog around with you every day.

It’s essentially about the life of every twenty something – but with some added mental anguish and the mild inconvenience which is cancer thrown into the mix. A recipe for disaster? Maybe. A good story? Hopefully.

So why am I telling you about this? Am I about to tell you the book has been snapped up by a publisher in a heated battle between two of the big wigs? Well, no. Not quite. Despite a lot of interest from publishers thanks to my wonderful agent, Robert, it turns out I don’t have a big enough social media following for publishers to be interested in me. They loved the story, they loved the proposal, they loved my writing. But the social media following (or lack thereof) was too big a sticking point for them.

But this is something I have to do. It’s something I have to do for me. I have this book inside me and it is burning to get out. Practically clawing at my insides to make it’s way from my brain to my keyboard. So, I’m going to do it myself. I’ve decided to self publish. But I need your help. And it turns out, the way you can help me is by giving me your hard earned dollar. I’m crowdfunding for the project. I have a heap of options for whatever your budget is, and for every budget you get a copy of the book (whether hard or digital) including my words and images created by my insanely talented and perpetually brilliant pal Georgia Wilmot. And 10% of any profits made will go to my friends at CoppaFeel! so you’ll be helping them help more people get into the healthy boob-checking habit of a lifetime too. I also hope that this book will help anyone who’s ever heard the words “it’s breast cancer” and who’s ever had a fight with their brain.

So how can you support for Life, Lemons and Melons? Head on over to Kickstarter and choose a pledge then share the campaign with your friends, family, colleagues, dog walker etc. If we hit my target of £3k within 30 days, the book will happen. I’ll have to sit down and write it, but as the outline is all there and ready to go, I’m hopeful I’ll just be able to “write the shit out of it” as my friend said. If we don’t hit the target, you won’t lose a penny and I’ll crawl into a hole and pretend this never happened drop the idea, knowing I tried everything I could.

THANK YOU in advance for your help, whether it’s a pledge or a share. I can almost feel the dream of holding this book in my hands becoming a reality.

 

Feel Good 100 with Feel Good Drinks

A lot of pretty cool things have happened to me since I got diagnosed with breast cancer in July 2015. I mean, chemotherapy was a riot and having a mastectomy and the followup surgeries was my favourite thing, obviously, but those things aside, I’ve been lucky enough to get some awesome opportunities. From having my name featured on a Formula 1 Car, to walking in the Breast Cancer Care fashion show,  joining an army of incredible women and regularly strapping on an enormous boob as one of CoppaFeel!’s Boobettes, to taking the jump and going freelance, pursuing my dreams of writing something that matters (though this may be temporarily on hold), I’ve been so very, very lucky. I’m grateful for all of these opportunities. The last two years haven’t been easy, but they’ve been pretty entertaining on the whole.

And I’ve started saying yes to things I never would have said yes to before. I think I’ve talked about this before, but I just don’t see the point in letting my nerves or fear or apprehension or anxiety stopping me from doing things. I’m pretty lucky to still be here, so why should I neglect opportunities that come my way? There’s a lot of things I can’t do right now (like surf) so why wouldn’t I say yes to things I can do? Even if they rip me out of my comfort zone and plonk me down next a beautiful lake in Malaga, completely naked and surrounded by 99 other naked women, all about to skinny dip in the aforementioned lake, I feel like I have a duty to do them. A duty to say yes. To myself as much as anyone.

Oh yeah. That lake thing actually happened. That wasn’t just some wild stream of whimsy consciousness I went off on there. A few weeks ago, along with some of my other awesome Boobette Babes and a bunch of other women from all over the UK, Feel Good Drinks escorted us out to Spain for their Feel Good 100 project. Their idea? To promote their 100% natural drinks they wanted to get 100 women in a 100% natural environment in 100% their natural state.

So here we were. Women of all shapes and sizes. A handful of breast cancer survivors. Models. Bloggers. Mothers. Every single person with a story that had led them to say yes to this opportunity.

So there I was. In beautiful sunshine in a stunning location with an incredible group of women wandering around with my The Artist Formerly Known as Breast out for everyone to see. Bizarrely, I felt more self conscious of the boob I still have than the war wound that marks my experience of breast cancer, but mostly I felt liberated. With all my wobbly bits and all my scars on show, there was something really honest about baring everything. Probably more honest than I had been with or about my body in a very long time.

Today marks two years since I had my mastectomy. Since the start of my treatment, I suppose. The start of my “triathalon”. In terms of surgery, it’s kind of turned into the Marathon des Sables, with 7 surgeries down and (hopefully) only two more to go. But at the end of this month I’ll go back to having two boobs as my (hopefully) penultimate surgery sees me have an expander implant put under the fat they’ve gathered from my legs and stomach in the past couple of surgeries. It looks like this is gonna be a big ‘un. Another scar. Drains. More liposuction. More bruising. More exhaustion. But I’m here, eh? I’m alive and kicking. Who cares if it works out that on average, I’ve had a surgery every three months for the last two years (I do a little bit. But only a touch).

The timing was really right for me with this campaign. I’m constantly searching for ways to feel alive at the moment and I really did feel alive and grateful for this opportunity. It kind of marked a transition in my treatment as I come to the end of living flat, 22 months after I had my implant removed. It’s the start of the end of my cycle of surgeries (hopefully) and I loved being able to celebrate my body honestly – for what it was before cancer, what it is now and what it will become. I still have so much growing and healing and learning to do.

feel good drinks

You can see the video created by Feel Good Drinks here – and I’d also recommend getting your hands on their infusions range. Genuinely delicious.

In Search of a Bikini Body

I have never been one to strive for a bikini body. I’m very much from the school of thought that if you have a bikini and a body, you’ve got a bikini body as soon as you put the swimwear on. All of the rhetoric around dieting for summer so that you look your best has become outdated and passe, a mediocre and lazy attempt to target women through advertising and taking advantage of their insecurities. Every time a company tries to pull a new campaign out along these lines, society flocks to social media to call bullshit. I absolutely love it.  I love that we’re living in a world where we’re calling out beauty standards for what they often are – edited, airbrushed, unattainable and just not real life.

But I’ve been thinking about bikinis and bodies a lot lately. As most millennials are (because Whatsapp has revolutionised our lives), I’m in a group chat with a couple of friends, girls I used to work with. Earlier this week one of them dropped the interesting fact that bikinis were in fact named after the atomic bomb test site Bikini Atoll because, like the atomic bomb, it was ‘small and devastating’.⁠⁠⁠⁠ During my trip to Lanzarote in May, I spent quite a bit of time thinking about how my relationship with a bikini has changed a lot since I lost my boob in 2015. Weirdly, I think being in Sri Lanka and the Maldives with my uniboob and not a prosthetic in sight, made me more comfortable than I’d ever been in a bikini before. And a brief spell in Lanzarote with my folks recently reaffirmed that feeling.

I never anticipated that I’d be having liposuction this year, so that’s given me a whole different perspective on the bikini body too. To those of you who don’t know, I didn’t suddenly decide that I needed to invest in lipo to get super-fly thighs for the summer months, but my surgeon floated lipografting to me as an idea after I said I wasn’t sure if I could face the gruelling process of having a DIEP flap surgery. It’s a snazzy new technique which involves liposuctioning fat from other places on the body and then injecting it into the chest and gradually moulding it into a breast. I KNOW. INSANE RIGHT? Anyway, I’ve now had two rounds of this procedure and find myself moving slowly towards the world of having two boobs again. That’s a weird world. I’ve been this way for about 20 months now. Going back to wearing pretty bras and not worrying about whether I need to throw on a prosthetic is going to be…quite something I think.

I’m getting off topic. Despite the liposuction and occasionally feeling more comfortable in my own body than I used to, I’ve not been getting on well with my body recently. It’s not really all that new. I’ve talked before about my body confidence and about how cancer has impacted that. But the negative feelings have been more heightened than ever, probably as a result of the fashion disasters I’ve been having recently trying to find something to wear for a wedding. And it (combined with other things) has left me feeling pretty low. I’ve been cross that I have gained weight recently. Been frustrated that my legs are still bruised, still sore after surgery. I’ve had a lot of shitty conversations with myself about the size of my arms, about the fat on my belly, about the pains in my chest. I’ve been really shitty to myself. Really shitty. But one thing I’ve been working on is doing yoga pretty much every day. (I pushed myself too hard the other day & have been getting cramps in my chest as a result so there’s a thing to learn about balance too).

One particular day, the yoga mantra I was working on was “I love”. And while saying “I love myself” does NOT sit well with me, I did it anyways. And (unrelated to the mantra, but quite remarkably) for the first time in my life, I was able to do side plank. And hold it. That’s a pretty big deal for me. Not something I could do BC and certainly not something I expected I could do after cancer. During all this time I’ve been beating my body up, it’s been getting stronger. All this time I’ve been berating myself for being out of shape it’s been getting stronger. And I suppose what I’m trying to say is that my body let me down quite dramatically. But I let it down pretty regularly too. I let it down by not giving it the credit it deserves. I let it down by starving it of the things it needs and wants because of some crazy idea of perfection that has been perpetuated by the patriarchy and the media.

My body doesn’t deserve to be berated. It deserves to be celebrated. And so does yours. For whatever victories it has given you. So find a victory that your body has given you recently. Today. Yesterday. This month. Last. And celebrate it. Really celebrate it. We can’t keep negative thoughts at bay forever, but we can kick ’em in the goolies once in a while. Do that today. I’m celebrating my side plank in yoga. I’m celebrating my body, wobbly bits and all for swimming through the Durdle Door (BUCKET LIST – CHECK). I’m celebrating my body for getting me through cancer treatment and for healing from every. single. surgery I’ve had over the last two years.

And if you’re looking for a bikini body, stop looking. If you’ve been eyeing up that bikini on ASOS but haven’t bought it because you’re worried about your size or your thighs, or your tummy. Stop procrastinating. Buy it. Put it on. Feel fabulous. Because you already are. The world knows it. You just need to tell yourself.